I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”