“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
You Might Also Like
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it鈥檚 not delivery, it鈥檚 baby takeout.
*whistling*
Husband: There鈥檚 blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I鈥檓 decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It鈥檚 real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I鈥檓 thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(馃憜)
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
KATY PERRY: 馃幎 baby you鈥檙e a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY鈥橲 DOG: I hate this song
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
…..pretty much.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I鈥檒l see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it鈥檚 all sticky
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol