“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
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They’re the worst 😩
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird