It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
It’s the weekend y’all
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I will never stop laughing at this
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.