They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
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I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone