Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently