if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
You Might Also Like
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
*pronounces surface like Versace*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me: