The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.