WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
this has done me in for some reason
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
you stereotypes are all alike
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub