[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
This anagram machine is out of order.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.