Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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the composer
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived