My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?