therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Rooting for the overdog
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I’d … I’d rather not.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.