Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float