19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow