He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
You Might Also Like
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me irl
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.