Stop sending me this shit.
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her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.