Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.