Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.