All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.