haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*skinny dips into black hole
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.