If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.