The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…