My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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This is the best one I’ve seen
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Facebook memories be like
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.