The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?