When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.