If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
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My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen