[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”