Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife