God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones