“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
got so much cardio in today
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]