I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Body by Oreos
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Me too, bag. Me too….
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.