A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.