Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.