There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini