Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?