Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.