I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.