ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
wishing you and yours all the best
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.