I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
So inspired right now.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.