Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
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They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
dam girl
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.