The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
🤣😂
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is