Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
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All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work