[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
every. time.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.