never compromise your values
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DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
black phone good
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Bartenders are just boneless bars
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like