Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I love art.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.