Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
#FunnyLife Insects
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.