Hello, my name is Pierre.
You Might Also Like
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids