I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
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thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!