Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
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Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I ate everything, including the H.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks